Worse Than Jonah

It didn’t take me long to pronounce myself the worst missionary ever.  Waking up at 5:30pm in a tiny hotel room near the Little India district of Singapore after close to 30 hours in travel, my first thought was “I want to go home.”  Then I remembered that I don’t have a home to go to.  We haven’t even made it to the field yet!  We are still in transit and these are my thoughts?!

“Great family leadership, Dan!”  “This will be so encouraging to Heidi and Isaac who you just packed up with everything you owned and slogged through three airports, 12 times zones, and zero hours of sleep.”  “That’s the vision that will inspire your supporters and mobilize others to give it all to follow Christ.”

We started this process with visions of Paul, Amy Charmichael, and William Carey.  Confidence grew as we considered Jim Elliot’s simple truth “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.”  We wanted to be strong and courageous, full of joy and a desperate longing to forsake all for the sake of Christ.  But now, all I can think about is Jonah.

Just like us, God called Jonah to leave his home and the people he loved to go to a far away place and tell others about his God.  (Jonah 1:1- 4:11) His job was to warn them that the Creator of all the Universe will judge and punish sin in his justice. That part, Jonah was fine with.  But he also had to tell them that God has made of way of escape in his mercy and grace and he was less than willing to relay this message.

We get to tell this same story of the God who cares.  We are excited to tell the lost and hurting, the slave to sin and self that there is a God who creates and who makes new.  There is hope in Jesus to change hearts and lives because he lived the life we could not and paid the penalty we deserved.  This hope is fueled by love and grace.

But that’s not the story in my mind as my tired eyes pealed open and adjusted to the muggy South East Asian evening.  No, tonight my story was my own.  I was wrapped up in me and was missing the bigger picture.  I was like Jonah.

Jonah resisted, he ran, he ranted, and yet through him, God worked in the hearts of the people of Nineveh and they were spared through his mercy when they repented.  I guess I can take comfort that even if I’m bad at this (which apparently, it doesn’t take long to see that I really am), God will still use me.  God still used even Jonah to accomplish his purposes.  His will, will be done.

Jonah didn’t think the people deserved God’s mercy and he was right.  They were wicked and evil and deserved to be punished, not loved.  Of course, what Jonah missed is that he deserved the very same fate.  This I get.  I recognize my own helplessness in justifying myself, I see where I fall short of living the life that I should. I don’t want God to destroy people. I want them to hear the same Good News about Jesus that saved me. 

None-the-less, I’m worse than Jonah.  At least his resistance was based on a sense God’s justice. Sure, he was ethnocentric and wrapped up in self-righteousness, but mine is selfishly focused on my own comfort and desires. 

“I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I spent three hours booking the perfect hotel that has a pool for Isaac and now the stupid pool is being renovated . . . and this room is tiny, where is the shampoo . . .did we even pack shampoo? what do you mean the phones won’t charge? I know the lady at hotels.com told me that breakfast was included in the price!”  This was the sound of my brain melting. No wonder the world considers Americans the most ungrateful people on earth!  Glad I could help dispel that stereotype. 

The funny part is that Isaac came to me and said “Dad, I don’t really care about the pool, I’m just glad we are together.”  How is my ten year old the pillar of strength, reason, and faith in our family?  I suppose I still have some lessons to learn in humility and where to find my identity.

You see, this is the spiritual warfare that we talked about in training.  This is why we have the shield of faith.  The accuser wants to whisper in my ear, “this isn’t worth it. . . . . oh yeah, and you’re no good at it anyway.”

So I went to my weapons because the accuser is loud, and my sinful selfish heart can be even louder.  Praying in the Spirit, helmet of salvation firmly in place despite my shortcomings, I asked God to calm me and to change my affections.  Turn me from love of self to love of Him.  Remind me why I am here and to give me boldness to open my mouth and boldly proclaim the mystery of the gospel.  As the flaming darts began to extinguish, having no power over this shield of faith, I ran to my sword and found solace once again in the Psalms.  “He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.  On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.”  (Psalm 63)

Maybe I’m telling you too much.  Maybe I’m delirious and jet lagged.  Maybe this too is a selfish way to deal with insecurity and doubt.  But maybe God can use this too.  Maybe he can teach me to not rely on me and maybe he can teach you the same thing. 

A good friend gave me some excellent advice before we left.  “Don’t screw this up.”  It didn’t take me long to break that directive.    He was teasing of course (at least I hope so), but there is some real truth there in how we think about things.  If you put your confidence in me, you will be disappointed.  If I put my confidence in me, I will be let down.  If it is up to me to do this work, to share this Gospel, to serve my team, to care for my family, to do right, to make myself happy, then pity me.

But if it is in Jesus we have our confidence, if it is the power of the Holy Spirit on which we rely, if it is the promises of Our Father to which we hold fast, then we can rest, and work, and find joy.

I hope that this didn’t discourage you or make you sad.  Instead, I hope that you saw the contrast between who I am and who Jesus is.  If you relate to this story, remember that God makes things new.  Spoiled rotten things like me.  You see, I might be worse than Jonah, but because of what Jesus has done, because the Holy Spirit lives in me, God can use me, and can give me joy in his purpose.  “Truly, I say to you, among those born of women there has arisen no one greater than John the Baptist.  Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.”  (Matthew 11:11)

 

Maybe, like me, you are feeling like the least in the kingdom.  Let me encourage you to stop relying on you and turn to Jesus as he calls in the end of this passage.  “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Please continue to pray for our family as we learn how to love Jesus and love people on the other side of the world. If you want to pray that we don't get swallowed up by a big fish, I won't stop you!